I'm here.

Here's where I am with a lot of things:

I feel convicted.. and I feel like I've acknowledged a call to righteousness. If I'm continually being transformed to his likeness, then the purification of my speech is part of that. I'm being reminded of what the bible says about letting wholesome talk come from your mouth. And about the tongue being a deadly poison, like the sharpest sword. Proverbs 12:18 says, "There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

Its not worth it- I would rather bridle my tongue and be quiet more of the time, than contribute to damaging conversation.

I want my tongue to bring life. I want to reflect Jesus accurately. He doesn't belittle perversion with a joke. He doesn't contribute to the corruption of other's spirits.

Matthew 12:36-37

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.

Can't really argue with that.

Boundaries. Boundaries are the sad story of my life. I don't really have solid boundaries. I've been more of a 'trial and error' kind of person. I tend to learn things the hard way.. and with a lot of things, thats okay. But its unhealthy to knowingly walk in that direction with relationships. So- boundaries, are what I have been learning about, and slowly establishing in my life. These are for my benefit, and for my friends' benefits.

I oftentimes feel torn because I feel as if, once boundaries are in place, the relationships in my life will suffer. The cherished, deep, strong relationships in my life will weaken, and become shallow, and brittle. But one of these really great friends said something to me tonight that I needed to hear. He said, "I would much rather hurt a little bit now, than hurt a lot later.. knowing I could've avoided it." I needed him to say that. And I needed him to be strong for me right then. He is one of those people that I SO treasure my friendship with. I don't want us to be less close, or less comfortable around each other as a result of us choosing to establish boundaries (ie. spending less time together, or limiting our topics of conversation).

I want to shift my perspective so that I no longer think, "spending less time together" but instead I think, "spending time together wisely."

I want God to redefine my thought process. I want a permanent holy spirit filter.

Loneliness:

And part of that is surrendering my loneliness. I have some deep, deep, loneliness. I find myself, especially in the last couple years, aching to share myself with someone. I want to have that constant person in my life who knows me, who I can talk with, who I can be with, who can hold me, who I can share LIFE with, etc. I want a companion, and a partner.

So- realizing all of this told me, first- that I ache for that because God designed me for intimate relationship. Second- I realize that my primary intimate relationship is with the Lord. And it is only out of that primary intimate relationship that those deep desires, and deep loneliness, can be filled.

Thats a journey I'm walking out. And as another friend pointed out tonight.. I'm very glad I'm walking this out while I'm single. I feel it would be much more difficult finding this out and walking it out with a husband.

My heart's desires are alive and well.

I've been ignited. There's an old hippie song from the 60s rattling in my head- the lyrics chant, "No compromise!" over and over again..

Thats kind of what I'm feeling.

Houston,

WHAT the heck.... just........... happened.

I so bought myself new Bobbi Brown last night. PTL and Hallelujah- I can have a face again.

I've come to this conclusion: my husband will most definitely have to be a good listener. Why? Well because I talk a lot. I'm constantly wanting to bounce ideas and thoughts off people. I process everything out loud. Yeah.. he'll need to be special.

Something that bothers me: Saturday morning I hear my step mom call into different rooms around 1030 and say, "Time to wake up!"

Something about that REALLY bothers me. Where do you get off telling someone what time they should wake up on Saturday morning? Unless there's some emergency.. in which case you would state the emergency, not tell that person when to wake up. It seems like such an invasion of personal space... privacy.

.... idk. I guess thats what you get for living with your parents... or, my parents.

Kelly Clarkson can write a good breakup song, let me tell you what. I'm pretty sure this is her 4th breakup hit single. That girl really knows how to milk the end of a relationship for all she can.

Signals Past, the Future's Bleau.

All I want to do these past few days is write. Its addictive, in a really healthy way, me thinks.

First off- I'm perturbed about something. There's this one relationship in my life that will not, no matter what I do to avoid it, leave me alone. This relationship has hit both sky high and rock bottom... and as I was driving home tonight, I found myself trying to trace back to the beginning- and figure out exactly when we hit the "self-destruct" button. For a brief second, I thought if I could fix that moment, perhaps choose a different button, this relationship wouldn't be in shambles currently. There is no hope I can see about it. I feel sometimes like I'm stuck swimming through mud.

There's this part of me that wants resolution. I'm tired of seasons and seasons of episodes in the endless saga. I want purpose in this relationship. I want meaning. I want honesty, trust... hope.

I hope.

Ha.... then another friend calls me up and divulges his recent e-harmony escapades. You know, I am quick to mock an online match-maker, but there is something about it that seems even more risky and more adventurous than traditional face-to-face American dating.

la la, la la la.... warm it up.

Found Out

A good friend made me aware tonight of the way I was speaking poorly about a person who is more near and dear to me than.. . most things and people. So- I looked back and I fixed what I could. And for the future.. I will be careful.

I work at KPC now. I feel very blessed to get to work with the team thats around me. Dana, Matt, and Kara are amazing. We gel. We mesh. And Bruce truly is an excellent boss. I'm sure I will miss him.

I've been thinking lately about destiny and purpose.
Being that God has a will, a hope and a future... and we clearly have the ability to exercise our free will... can we speed up or slow down the execution of his 'plan' for our lives?
I mean in a way almost similar to that of the great commission. We're told in Revelation that certain things will happen before Jesus' return. One of those things is EVERYONE hearing the gospel. We can actually speed up or slow down Jesus' return based on whether we choose to be obedient in the things we "know of"... aka speaking the gospel.
In the same way, can we speed up or slow down God's perfect plan for our individual lives based on whether or not we choose to be obedient in the things we 'know' he wants us to move toward?

Me, for example. I feel reasonably sure that God has marriage in my future. However, I also feel reasonably sure that God will not bring about that season in my life, until after I have completed school (among other things), for example. Therefore, in my procrastination with getting school done... I feel I may in fact be prolonging other seasons as a byproduct.


Yes.

And another thing to think about: Where is the line with "over-spiritualizing" things? Its blurry to me. I know people who think every little thing that happens to or through or around them is a "sign from the Lord." And who am I to say something isn't God speaking? I'm sure God does speak through more things than we realize... and I think its important to look for ways that the Lord may be speaking all the live long day...... but, I don't know. Something in me feels like our purpose should be cultivating a relationship with the living God that is so intimate, that we recognize where, when, and what he is speaking. We don't have to guess, "Is that God speaking over there? ... Or over here?"
We just know when its him. Because we know what he sounds like. He says, "my sheep know my voice."

I know what Natanya sounds like when she's on the phone... or any number of people. Its just what happens when you know someone.

God's the same. Only better.

Letter = Let her.

Dear Kate,

These are reminders for yourself in the future. Heed them.

1. Be with someone who treats you like a gem. Then and only then should you make a decision to be with him.

2. Always remember to think actions/circumstances through.

3. Draw clear boundaries, stick to them, and have accountability.

4. Think before you speak.

5. Kissing: REALLY think this one through.

6. Do not settle.

7. Do not procrastinate.

8. Speak your mind.

9. Love well. And when you don't think you can... ask Scott Wilcher for help.

10. Don't get distracted.

Affectionately Yours,

Kate.

Blast

Currently:

+my computer is cold.

+I'm into navy blue nail polish.

+I'm re-learning to play piano.

+Jesus is on my mind.

This is truly a season of transition, growth, and change. Relationships confound me.

People say women are complex creatures, but I, especially recently, maintain that men are the more difficult sex to understand. At least... the men in my life.

Then again- I love the guys in my life.

So on 10/29 (4 days ago) I wrote this:

"I feel like, for the first time, I maybe know how hard it is for others to cut ties with significant others. Because tonight, I cut a tie with someone whose become a really close friend.

I didn't really defend myself, I didn't have anything to say.

Dating is a messy game. I don't like the casualness of it.

... I was a first-timer. I didn't really know what to make of the whole thing.

My bottom line was this: am I ever going to find someone who treats me wonderfully, and who I am completely head over heels for? I actually wrestled with whether that existed. I resolved that it must, though.

I was never sure how "casual" to make it. How can we be so "casual" with matters of the heart, anyway?

Brian is one of the the most stand-up guys I've ever met in my life. He's the real deal. He's a keeper. 100%. I'm just not that girl for him. I have no idea why, but I know that I'm not.

I'm continually amazed at the human heart's capacity to give, and give, and keep giving.

Somehow, after such deep and sincere relationships end, we find a way to love again. How? God, I'm sure.

Thats it.

Suck.

I was never disgenuine with anything I said or did. I never faked an emotion and I never "didn't mean" my affection or a kind word.

I meant all of it.

It just didn't work, though.

I wasn't twitterpated. I wasn't fluttery.

I didn't ever "gush" to people.

Logically, factually, theoretically, we were fine- and great.. minus my increasing affection.

I keep wanting my heart to summon more affection, stirring, love- and it just didn't come.

'We' were such a 'good idea', that I believed it. But my heart wasn't convinced, and when my heart spoke up, I told it to shut up. Because really, it was a good idea.

Gone bad.

Dating is a 'bad idea' in my book. Fun in the moment, but not so much in the long run.

So maybe all this is crazy, and maybe a thousand other things... but.... this is going to be a good thing. Even though right now its a suck thing."