Saturday, July 31, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
What else?
I find myself wondering at this point more and more frequently, 'what else?'
Seems like however much I am learning, however much I am doing, no matter the depth I reach relationally- I want more. I want to go deeper. I want to learn and do new things. I want to risk more of Jesus in my days.
And as I was flying downward from the crest of a roller coaster this afternoon..I thought to myself within a moment, "I am an adrenaline junkie. That's why I run after things the way I do. That's why I'm okay to be impulsive.'
All throughout the day, Dana kept saying things to me like, 'You have both nerves and a stomach of steel, Kate.' and 'You are one of a kind.' and 'You're the only one I could say this to...'
Why?
Why has He wired me like this? To accomplish what purpose? Why is it that I am FUELED when I hear teachings on 1 Jn.3 that tell me I cannot sin, because his seed remains in me, or when I meet someone in a 40 minute line at Busch Gardens who doesn't know the forgiveness I know? Why am I energized by the unknown and the prospect of gaining wisdom and understanding? Or being transformed by the renewing of my mind? Why is there a zealous heart in my body to know intimately: the emotions of God, the supernatural, and the power of one message?
There's this eagerness in me that wants to expedite and call out the spiritual clash in certain geographic regions and peoples.
... I come to the finish of days like this, and my heart is thirsty, whispering, 'please, more of you, Jesus.'
My eyes drift to a close as I ask Him to be the sunset to all my days.. and just before my dreams take flight, I hear Him answer me... 'You will see my glory.'
Seems like however much I am learning, however much I am doing, no matter the depth I reach relationally- I want more. I want to go deeper. I want to learn and do new things. I want to risk more of Jesus in my days.
And as I was flying downward from the crest of a roller coaster this afternoon..I thought to myself within a moment, "I am an adrenaline junkie. That's why I run after things the way I do. That's why I'm okay to be impulsive.'
All throughout the day, Dana kept saying things to me like, 'You have both nerves and a stomach of steel, Kate.' and 'You are one of a kind.' and 'You're the only one I could say this to...'
Why?
Why has He wired me like this? To accomplish what purpose? Why is it that I am FUELED when I hear teachings on 1 Jn.3 that tell me I cannot sin, because his seed remains in me, or when I meet someone in a 40 minute line at Busch Gardens who doesn't know the forgiveness I know? Why am I energized by the unknown and the prospect of gaining wisdom and understanding? Or being transformed by the renewing of my mind? Why is there a zealous heart in my body to know intimately: the emotions of God, the supernatural, and the power of one message?
There's this eagerness in me that wants to expedite and call out the spiritual clash in certain geographic regions and peoples.
... I come to the finish of days like this, and my heart is thirsty, whispering, 'please, more of you, Jesus.'
My eyes drift to a close as I ask Him to be the sunset to all my days.. and just before my dreams take flight, I hear Him answer me... 'You will see my glory.'
Friday, July 16, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I have nothing, and I have everything.
There's something very sobering about realizing there is nothing in your bank account anymore.
It reminds me of my dependence on God for the sustenance of the day.
And it reminds me that I am called to complete dependence on the Lord- of finance, of breath, of basic needs, and of appointments.
Something Eric said in passing this past weekend in Ohio has really stuck with me. He said, "Ad-lib and free worship are born out of a heart that knows God's word." Its true- you can only go so long on creativity and a love for music alone. Unless there is a love for Jesus, a love for his words, and his thoughts and his heart, you will be like a well dried up, longing to be filled with living waters.
I don't read a whole lot of scripture. In fact, more often than not I force myself to read it. For a couple years now I have been praying, asking God to give me a love for it, and honestly- this past weekend was one of the first times I believe I actually loved what I was reading. I felt like there was vitality being downloaded to my soul as I read through the verses and pages. And for possibly the first time ever, I ended my time reading wanting to go deeper- not wanting to put it down.
Brother Yun memorized 55 chapters of the bible while he was in prison, from Hebrews to Revelation. That's ridiculous. He said he didn't know how long he would have the privilege of holding the bible in his hands, so he ought to hold it in his heart. I WANT THAT kind of commitment to the things of God.
It reminds me of my dependence on God for the sustenance of the day.
And it reminds me that I am called to complete dependence on the Lord- of finance, of breath, of basic needs, and of appointments.
Something Eric said in passing this past weekend in Ohio has really stuck with me. He said, "Ad-lib and free worship are born out of a heart that knows God's word." Its true- you can only go so long on creativity and a love for music alone. Unless there is a love for Jesus, a love for his words, and his thoughts and his heart, you will be like a well dried up, longing to be filled with living waters.
I don't read a whole lot of scripture. In fact, more often than not I force myself to read it. For a couple years now I have been praying, asking God to give me a love for it, and honestly- this past weekend was one of the first times I believe I actually loved what I was reading. I felt like there was vitality being downloaded to my soul as I read through the verses and pages. And for possibly the first time ever, I ended my time reading wanting to go deeper- not wanting to put it down.
Brother Yun memorized 55 chapters of the bible while he was in prison, from Hebrews to Revelation. That's ridiculous. He said he didn't know how long he would have the privilege of holding the bible in his hands, so he ought to hold it in his heart. I WANT THAT kind of commitment to the things of God.
Friday, July 2, 2010
that validating thing called love.
Think about that song, "you're nobody til somebody loves you.. you're nobody til somebody cares." How pitiful- and depressing. Yet there's something to it. A life devoid of love, of affection, of affirmation, of someone calling out in you what you were made to do... would be such nothingness.
I was at the tail end of awake last night- and the message was on inadequacy. And I started to think about how the enemy tends to target specific people groups and areas by attacking in a certain way (but not limited to). In Indonesia, for example, all over Sumatra- the chief difficulty in getting the gospel of Jesus Christ out there in all the cities I was in.. was how complicated it is. the ethnic situation is complicated, the cultural differences are complicated, the people groups are complicated... and unless you purposefully THINK in the opposite direction, you start to think that perhaps the gospel might be too complicated to tell, maybe God's love is too complicated to relay to this difficult demographic.
So I was sitting there last night, watching the response at the end of the message. All these young people getting up, and taking perhaps their first steps of boldness to ASK for more boldness. All these young people with high calls and tremendous gifting, crying out to be filled up because they have been grown up self-centered, self-serving, and really.. all of us have learned to make the gospel about us. When it isn't. Its about Christ.
If you know me now, you might be surprised to learn that though I don't currently have any boldness issues (on the contrary..sometimes I need to remember when to shut up), about 3 years ago I was 100% terrified to sing or speak in front of people. It was this thing I knew was burning in me to do, and to share, and to do WELL- but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
So at one point, some maniac let me sing on the youth group worship team. But even then I was SO scared to be heard by others, or to be heard by myself. I was quiet and shaky and fumbled over myself. But that whole experience, strange as it might seem, was largely to benefit me. I doubt anyone, if they heard me at that point, thought my voice enjoyable- let alone saw any potential in it. But God did.
And that's the cool thing. His sovereignty covers my personal inadequacy. In 2007, I was pushed into a position of leading worship.. which meant it was necessary for me to get over myself very quickly if that was going to work out. So I spent a solid 10 months in random situations with big groups and little groups, plugged and unplugged, loud and quiet settings..learning how to sing out. Really, more has happened since- but I am undeniably blessed and increasingly thankful that my God loves me fiercely out of my weakness.
So that's my point- you're nobody til somebody loves you. You come alive in the feeling and understanding of God's ferocious pursuance of your heart. We all do.
That veil was torn.
falling slowly those eyes that know me
and I can't go back
raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
you've made it now.
I was at the tail end of awake last night- and the message was on inadequacy. And I started to think about how the enemy tends to target specific people groups and areas by attacking in a certain way (but not limited to). In Indonesia, for example, all over Sumatra- the chief difficulty in getting the gospel of Jesus Christ out there in all the cities I was in.. was how complicated it is. the ethnic situation is complicated, the cultural differences are complicated, the people groups are complicated... and unless you purposefully THINK in the opposite direction, you start to think that perhaps the gospel might be too complicated to tell, maybe God's love is too complicated to relay to this difficult demographic.
So I was sitting there last night, watching the response at the end of the message. All these young people getting up, and taking perhaps their first steps of boldness to ASK for more boldness. All these young people with high calls and tremendous gifting, crying out to be filled up because they have been grown up self-centered, self-serving, and really.. all of us have learned to make the gospel about us. When it isn't. Its about Christ.
If you know me now, you might be surprised to learn that though I don't currently have any boldness issues (on the contrary..sometimes I need to remember when to shut up), about 3 years ago I was 100% terrified to sing or speak in front of people. It was this thing I knew was burning in me to do, and to share, and to do WELL- but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
So at one point, some maniac let me sing on the youth group worship team. But even then I was SO scared to be heard by others, or to be heard by myself. I was quiet and shaky and fumbled over myself. But that whole experience, strange as it might seem, was largely to benefit me. I doubt anyone, if they heard me at that point, thought my voice enjoyable- let alone saw any potential in it. But God did.
And that's the cool thing. His sovereignty covers my personal inadequacy. In 2007, I was pushed into a position of leading worship.. which meant it was necessary for me to get over myself very quickly if that was going to work out. So I spent a solid 10 months in random situations with big groups and little groups, plugged and unplugged, loud and quiet settings..learning how to sing out. Really, more has happened since- but I am undeniably blessed and increasingly thankful that my God loves me fiercely out of my weakness.
So that's my point- you're nobody til somebody loves you. You come alive in the feeling and understanding of God's ferocious pursuance of your heart. We all do.
That veil was torn.
falling slowly those eyes that know me
and I can't go back
raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
you've made it now.
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