I'm here.

Here's where I am with a lot of things:

I feel convicted.. and I feel like I've acknowledged a call to righteousness. If I'm continually being transformed to his likeness, then the purification of my speech is part of that. I'm being reminded of what the bible says about letting wholesome talk come from your mouth. And about the tongue being a deadly poison, like the sharpest sword. Proverbs 12:18 says, "There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

Its not worth it- I would rather bridle my tongue and be quiet more of the time, than contribute to damaging conversation.

I want my tongue to bring life. I want to reflect Jesus accurately. He doesn't belittle perversion with a joke. He doesn't contribute to the corruption of other's spirits.

Matthew 12:36-37

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.

Can't really argue with that.

Boundaries. Boundaries are the sad story of my life. I don't really have solid boundaries. I've been more of a 'trial and error' kind of person. I tend to learn things the hard way.. and with a lot of things, thats okay. But its unhealthy to knowingly walk in that direction with relationships. So- boundaries, are what I have been learning about, and slowly establishing in my life. These are for my benefit, and for my friends' benefits.

I oftentimes feel torn because I feel as if, once boundaries are in place, the relationships in my life will suffer. The cherished, deep, strong relationships in my life will weaken, and become shallow, and brittle. But one of these really great friends said something to me tonight that I needed to hear. He said, "I would much rather hurt a little bit now, than hurt a lot later.. knowing I could've avoided it." I needed him to say that. And I needed him to be strong for me right then. He is one of those people that I SO treasure my friendship with. I don't want us to be less close, or less comfortable around each other as a result of us choosing to establish boundaries (ie. spending less time together, or limiting our topics of conversation).

I want to shift my perspective so that I no longer think, "spending less time together" but instead I think, "spending time together wisely."

I want God to redefine my thought process. I want a permanent holy spirit filter.

Loneliness:

And part of that is surrendering my loneliness. I have some deep, deep, loneliness. I find myself, especially in the last couple years, aching to share myself with someone. I want to have that constant person in my life who knows me, who I can talk with, who I can be with, who can hold me, who I can share LIFE with, etc. I want a companion, and a partner.

So- realizing all of this told me, first- that I ache for that because God designed me for intimate relationship. Second- I realize that my primary intimate relationship is with the Lord. And it is only out of that primary intimate relationship that those deep desires, and deep loneliness, can be filled.

Thats a journey I'm walking out. And as another friend pointed out tonight.. I'm very glad I'm walking this out while I'm single. I feel it would be much more difficult finding this out and walking it out with a husband.

My heart's desires are alive and well.

I've been ignited. There's an old hippie song from the 60s rattling in my head- the lyrics chant, "No compromise!" over and over again..

Thats kind of what I'm feeling.