Blast

Currently:

+my computer is cold.

+I'm into navy blue nail polish.

+I'm re-learning to play piano.

+Jesus is on my mind.

This is truly a season of transition, growth, and change. Relationships confound me.

People say women are complex creatures, but I, especially recently, maintain that men are the more difficult sex to understand. At least... the men in my life.

Then again- I love the guys in my life.

So on 10/29 (4 days ago) I wrote this:

"I feel like, for the first time, I maybe know how hard it is for others to cut ties with significant others. Because tonight, I cut a tie with someone whose become a really close friend.

I didn't really defend myself, I didn't have anything to say.

Dating is a messy game. I don't like the casualness of it.

... I was a first-timer. I didn't really know what to make of the whole thing.

My bottom line was this: am I ever going to find someone who treats me wonderfully, and who I am completely head over heels for? I actually wrestled with whether that existed. I resolved that it must, though.

I was never sure how "casual" to make it. How can we be so "casual" with matters of the heart, anyway?

Brian is one of the the most stand-up guys I've ever met in my life. He's the real deal. He's a keeper. 100%. I'm just not that girl for him. I have no idea why, but I know that I'm not.

I'm continually amazed at the human heart's capacity to give, and give, and keep giving.

Somehow, after such deep and sincere relationships end, we find a way to love again. How? God, I'm sure.

Thats it.

Suck.

I was never disgenuine with anything I said or did. I never faked an emotion and I never "didn't mean" my affection or a kind word.

I meant all of it.

It just didn't work, though.

I wasn't twitterpated. I wasn't fluttery.

I didn't ever "gush" to people.

Logically, factually, theoretically, we were fine- and great.. minus my increasing affection.

I keep wanting my heart to summon more affection, stirring, love- and it just didn't come.

'We' were such a 'good idea', that I believed it. But my heart wasn't convinced, and when my heart spoke up, I told it to shut up. Because really, it was a good idea.

Gone bad.

Dating is a 'bad idea' in my book. Fun in the moment, but not so much in the long run.

So maybe all this is crazy, and maybe a thousand other things... but.... this is going to be a good thing. Even though right now its a suck thing."