Quench love

Ridiculous, I know. I already know.

I finished watching "Ghost of Girlfriend's Past" tonight. Silly movie- but for me, it was one of those that left me feeling contemplative, wistful, pensive, and reminiscent. How I love and hate this feeling.

There is this part of me, folded there inside, who wants so deeply to be given the desires of my heart. And I know that the Lord knows my desires far more intimately than I- but I cannot keep from coming back to the same thought, the same emotion: love.

Love is what binds us up, what keeps us from failing. Love is where we find our hope.

So, yes it is silly. No, it doesn't make sense. But I want what my heart keeps pulling for. That dance. That pursuit. That romance. The wooing. The spooning. The flowers. The hard seasons with the good ones.

I want someone specific. And I will compromise for no one.

I want someone who believes in me.

Who will run wholeheartedly with me.

Who loves me fiercely.

Who loves Jesus more than he loves me.

Who will lead me.

Who trusts the Lord.

Who loves life.

Who is willing to fight for/contend for things.

Who gains understanding.

I want someone who cherishes me and treats me like a lady.

I want someone who will take me on dates and sing me songs.

I want someone who will be patient with me.

I want who Jesus has in mind for me. No one else.

Where oh where are you? And if you are who I wish you will be, when will I know?

..He's got the whole world, in his hands. He's got the whole world..

Truth

Right now I'm listening to Corey Russell articulate the very thing I know that God is calling me to align myself with- starting immediately.

" You can know everything about the word, yet there is a divorce between what you know and what you live. There's a division. But I'm convinced that God's going to raise up a generation who will combine both in their lives: the Word and the Spirit. And their lives are authentic. The spirit of Truth is operating in their lives. You know what the spirit of truth is? Its not just knowing truth, its being true.

Being true in your finances, being true on your weekends, being true with your energy, being true with your dreams. Being true in every facet of your life. That you stand before God with a clean conscience saying there are no divided lines. Thats the journey we're on.

I'm longing to be a person of truth and to see a people raised up in truth. Its not enough to just know all the truths. We're longing that in the midst of bible study, of going deep in theological education, that we would combine the study of the Word of God with rigorous lifestyles of prayer, fasting, silence, contemplation, intercession- why? To flesh this thing out into our lives, and to where THIS and ME become one. To where this and me become one. We are longing for the Word and the Spirit to come in and be an explosion of life and of power on the inside of us."

I want my heart to turn from compromise to wholeheartedness.

I'm called to covenant with the Lord. He's in my midst, and he's calling me back to him.

Its happening right now.

Just let me see Jesus.

Just let me hear Jesus.

The key to understanding God's voice is to know God's heart. Thats painfully obvious. I'm having to ask myself how serious I am about it. Zechariah 3 refers to the exchange between Joshua the high preist and the Angel of the Lord. The removal of the filthy garments in exchange for "a clean turban on his head" refers to the renewal of the mind, a clean and pure thought life, and holiness before the Lord.

So am I serious? What's the real motivation of my heart? In John, its the same question Jesus asks those who walked 5 hours into the desert to watch John the Baptist burn? (Jesus refers to John as a burning and shining lamp Jn 5:35)

What was the real motivation? Was it just to get a cheap thrill? Or were they really interested in hearing and perceiving who John the Baptist was to their generation, and thereby repenting and following John the Baptist so that they could be in agreement with the revelation of Jesus, instead of being offended at the revelation of Jesus.

At the end of the day- we find our sense of satisfaction in disillusion and deception, because we think that because we know "about" the things of Jesus, we actually know the things of Jesus.

Jesus is asking, "Were you really intent about changing your life, or were you looking to just buy the t-shirt?"

The point of John the Baptist was to enter in.

The bottom line is this: I can have as much of Jesus as I want. I qualify because I'm messed up.

Praise the Lord.

Love. Live. Luve. Leave. Lave.

I cannot wait to be romanced by my husband. One of the wonderful things being with Brian taught me is how to be treated. I'll tell you something, I will never settle for being treated less. I didn't realize how it "should" be. God is good to me. He shows me things like that so that I'm treated how he intends for me to be.

Man, for the life of me, I don't understand what the Lord is doing in my "love life" department. Well I do understand.. nothing. I feel like I pick up signals here and there.. but really I have no idea if anything means anything. I don't know if that was really a "sign" or if I'm just a ridiculous.

Then again, I feel so unbelievably content with the Lord that I honestly believe I'd be fine if I was single with Him for the rest of my life. The Wedding Wine is more than enough to sustain me.

Bring it, Lord Jesus. You forever rock my heart. You forever rescue my soul.

Where can I go?

My brain is a mush puddle of everything thats been going on in there for the past few weeks.. and not at all being hashed through the way it should.. hence my melancholy mood of sorts.

Honestly, I generally think New Years Resolutions are kind of lame, but I actually have one this year. I want purposefully start living less recklessly. I've made some stupid decisions last year as a result of being careless. My dad always used to tell me to act, not react. To think before you speak, and sometimes more importantly think before you DO.

I want to do that this year.

I want to live my life for Jesus on purpose. He's great. And greatly to be praised.

Somebody came up to me last night and told me to be careful how much "christian language" I use. I never ever thought I used much as all... I'm the one when praying will say stuff like, "Hey, God.." I guess thats something to think about.