Scattered Consideration

Everybody hurts.
Everybody grieves.
Everybody moves.
And everybody stands still.
Everybody drives.
And everybody rides.

I've been wrestling in my mind with a lot lately.
Wanting to disconnect. No longer wanting to invest in people I've been investing in for years.
I've been personally unengaged. Enthused still, yet unengaged.

Purpose= being
Calling = doing
Doing flows out of being: that's the difference between Mary and Martha.

And then it was like I was plugged into an electrical socket all of the sudden.
I was MADE for ministry. It energizes me. Gives me strength, calls out my zeal and allows my heart to lean in closely.

I lovvvvvve His presence.
I love the depth of who He is- because he always has so much more to offer me, the deeper I delve into his Spirit.

No wonder we're called to be a Holy habitation: a place where His presence is always found. That is why atmospheres can change when WE walk into a room- we carry the very presence of God. There is automatically a shift.

Man and he longs to have a resting place in us. He WANTS to dwell in and around us.
Mind numbing concept.

There's this Hallelujah song I've run into 3x randomly this week, AFTER I'd thought momentarily about doing it this coming Saturday night. I think it carries some serious sort of anointing. I think it carries a tenderness of the Holy Spirit to prompt you to posture your heart as if leaning in closer or something.
Its a chorus that moves.

I love happening upon people, and circumstances that push my faith, and force me to walk it out.
It stirs me.

The same power that conquered the grave lives in me.

Benign Emotions.

I can breathe just slightly easier.

I remember every so often that everything anyone ever goes through, every life circumstance, every relational mountain, every personality flaw we choose to overcome.. all of it molds us. It molds us into the people we need to be to talk to people, to be examples for other people.
Hopefully, all the while, looking more and more like Jesus.

Recently, I feel emotional, and emotionless at the same time.
I feel drab. Kind of like the color through my vision has faded a little bit.
My prayer: God restore my eyes.

_________________________________

You know, times like these my thoughts move back to wondering when exactly it was he started falling out of love with me.
There's this one voice mail from him that I saved months and months ago. I loved it. He may have thought absolutely nothing of it, but I thought it was one of the most wonderful, and charming messages.
In it he says, "Hey you, this is me, calling for you. Just wondering how you're doing, how your sets came together, if you needed help with anything. Wanted to see how your day is going. Alright- I love you. Ill talk to you later."

Simple, right? But I loved it. Every piece of it. Tonight I listened to the 'envelope info' on that message. Sent Wednesday, February 25th, 2009.
And on that day, in my journal, I saw that I wrote, "Eric and I are solid friends no matter what. And I'm in the middle of determining whether that's good enough for me right now. Eric is figuring out if I am truly that girl he's going to go nuts about and love for the rest of his life."
And then I went on to talk about other things. But what I immediately came back to was this: that is absolutely not good enough for me. Period.

Its amazing to me how I can feel so deeply about someone, and it not be reciprocated. How do I manage to get into a situation like that?

And Lord, how do I lean not on my own desires to wait and see- but instead look for Your plan and will in Your purpose for me.

I'm contemplative. Bridal showers, other couples having issues, tiredness, and solitude do that to me.

There's More

God's vision for my life involves a Grade A education.
I'm frustrated with that. In theory, I'm excited- but I've also been out of high school for 5 years, now.. and I have less than two years of college completed. Suckfest.

But instead of focusing on that- I'm trying to become proactive about it. Get it done.
Slowly but surely. After all, He's equipped me with a brain to comprehend, and the capacity to endure such things as professors, tests, and textbooks. So its settled.
I'm going back to school.

I'm going to walk out the next 'step' in the beautiful and adventurous calling the gracious Lord has given me. I cannot wait for the seasons of full-time ministry to begin. I've gotten teasers, and I'm thirsty for it.
I'm thirsty for revival. I'm thirsty for Jesus here and now, the relational Jesus that we all wanted in the first place, but who was forgotten about through the ages.

I really appreciate Rob Bell. He thinks much like I do- perhaps that's why I follow his thought patterns so well. Others call it random and find it difficult to follow... I like it. It's familiar.

I'm wanting a husband. I get lonely sometimes, and I just want him to come. I want someone to partner with, and share with, and BE with, and support, and to be lovey with. I want him to be sure about me... I just want to know that he knows its me. :)

Bah.

I have a rich call. I've been set apart for the here and now. God's called me to lead people into his heart through music and speaking. MUCH of that is going to be linked with my husband's ministry. Soooooo where the hull is he. Hurry it up, already.

That was Kate exercising her impatience. Woo!

And I hear rolling thunder (literally). My God, how great Thou art.

Venting

I'm: hurt, angry, frustrated, confused, wary, doubting, faithful, done, spent, broke, and much, much more.

I don't even know who reads this thing, if anyone. But it makes me wonder at the thought of saying whatever I wanted, just to vent. Just to get it off my chest. I'm a verbal processor, I'm told.
But there's always having to think about hurting people's feelings and such.
I could leave names out.. but I hate when people do that. Its vague.. and makes 2+2=7 ... things don't add up correctly. :)

I could be brutally honest? ..yet I'm afraid to hurt those feelings of certain people who are the "type" (if I'm allowed to stereotype) of people who read blogs. Even I'm not one of those.

Well- I'm tired.
I got talks tonight from 2 sets of my "parents."
I learned: I've gotten irresponsible with my money, I frequently have a bad attitude, I am not enthusiastic about helping around the house, and I've lost sight of my goals. The "other" conversation taught me: I'm hurt, I should draw better relational boundaries... and I'm worth a million bucks.
^ I know, I know that that's true. But it is always good to hear.

Times like this I wish I had all the answers.
Like why if I'm so super awesome didn't the one guy I fell in love with fall for me?

I realize I've been angry about that... and rightfully so. I have good reasons. Really good reasons.
I'm forgiving. Slowly but surely.
Things just suck sometimes. I don't like it that I'm having to re adjust to allow my heart to heal. And it bothers me tremendously that he doesn't have to heal, because his heart wasn't connected as deeply as I thought it was.
I'm mad about that. Still. Because he didn't tell me when he felt like that.
And he still doesn't tell me things. Why couldn't we be straight with one another?

So now I don't have my best friend anymore. Or my boyfriend.
And there's this obnoxious lump in my throat whenever I begin to divulge about it.

Mike and Lace are fantastic to listen to me talk as frequently as I do.


So.. there's that.