Benign Emotions.

I can breathe just slightly easier.

I remember every so often that everything anyone ever goes through, every life circumstance, every relational mountain, every personality flaw we choose to overcome.. all of it molds us. It molds us into the people we need to be to talk to people, to be examples for other people.
Hopefully, all the while, looking more and more like Jesus.

Recently, I feel emotional, and emotionless at the same time.
I feel drab. Kind of like the color through my vision has faded a little bit.
My prayer: God restore my eyes.

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You know, times like these my thoughts move back to wondering when exactly it was he started falling out of love with me.
There's this one voice mail from him that I saved months and months ago. I loved it. He may have thought absolutely nothing of it, but I thought it was one of the most wonderful, and charming messages.
In it he says, "Hey you, this is me, calling for you. Just wondering how you're doing, how your sets came together, if you needed help with anything. Wanted to see how your day is going. Alright- I love you. Ill talk to you later."

Simple, right? But I loved it. Every piece of it. Tonight I listened to the 'envelope info' on that message. Sent Wednesday, February 25th, 2009.
And on that day, in my journal, I saw that I wrote, "Eric and I are solid friends no matter what. And I'm in the middle of determining whether that's good enough for me right now. Eric is figuring out if I am truly that girl he's going to go nuts about and love for the rest of his life."
And then I went on to talk about other things. But what I immediately came back to was this: that is absolutely not good enough for me. Period.

Its amazing to me how I can feel so deeply about someone, and it not be reciprocated. How do I manage to get into a situation like that?

And Lord, how do I lean not on my own desires to wait and see- but instead look for Your plan and will in Your purpose for me.

I'm contemplative. Bridal showers, other couples having issues, tiredness, and solitude do that to me.