apparently

I let things fester for awhile.
I allow bad attitudes to take me over.
I need to think twice about who counsels me.
I need to pray more about everything.
I can't articulate myself clearly enough to communicate on even the most basic of levels.

Lord- what a match you have picked for me with Eric. Someone I am completely overwhelmed in love with. Someone who cares tremendously about every decision I make-from where I put my cell phone while I go running to the very questions and emotions probing my heart's core. He's someone I long to share everything with. He's someone who cares to reprimand me when I'm out of line, and does it conveying the undeniable love of Christ. He's someone who allows me to call him out when he ought to be, someone who demonstrates on a daily basis the strength of the Lord God.
And he makes me feel like a treasure.

I disrespected him yesterday and I am so sorry for that. Remember September. Remember your life.

MOM.
so weird.
Last week I couldn't sleep for a few nights- simplemindedly mentioned it to Eric, really fishing for remedial suggestions. Somehow we launched into this whole conversation about how I really have never properly processed my mom's death all those years ago.
And God has made it more clear day in and day out that I have reached a point I cannot really move past (in terms of stepping more directly into the ministry calling I know has been placed on my life) until this "issue" is dealt with.
Problem is in order to go about this: each thread making up those memories needs to be regurgitated and examined in order to then be re framed in the right light.
Painful process.
But it means everything to me that while he's "seen people go through this kind of thing before", he thinks I'll be able to deal with it quickly. That means a lot, not because it will be over with quickly, but because he bothers to look at my character and my heart long enough to see that.

I realize I've been running away from Mom's death for ages now- shoot I was only 8 or so.
But how central it is. I've got all these questions- seems silly at first, but I'm so confident in their legitimacy.
How do I know how to be a good mother?
How can I stand by and support and encourage my husband?
How will I learn how to cook?
Why can't I dress myself?
Why do I have more boy friends than girl friends?
Why do I constantly see traits (both physical and spiritual) in Kelli that remind me directly of Mrs. O?
How come I get hit with grenades of emotion (and sadness)?

There is so much more. Everything that needs to be answered will be.

I was running earlier tonight- thinking about so much.

Moving out.
I talked earlier about this- said that I decided for my family to stay home. Now that a bunch of my friends are moving out it is SO tempting to investigate another living situation. I know its best to save money, stay here, keep up relationships yadda yadda. But I cannot even think about what life is going to look like for me to be working full time, going back to school full time, juggling church commitments, making time for my family, Eric, and other relationships. Honestly- going away to school is difficult, yes, but I would argue extensively that there is A LOT to to said for the difficulty of going to school and working both full time and simultaneously being expected to be part of a family, invest time where there already is none into the relationships at home.
So my question is- do I seriously look at how I can step out of that? I can think of 5 or 6 options right away. But as soon as I muse over living elsewhere, simplifying my life further- I'm met with this: God's not going to give me more than I can bear. And that is so true.
But will He allow me to give myself more than I can bear? And is that what I've done? And if so, is family the thing that I really want to cut out/should cut out?
Do I prioritize the way I do out of necessity, conviction, or convenience? Does that need to change?

I need money for books. W/o books, I will be starting class tomorrow for the first time in years. Starting all over. God help me.

And seriously, God- help me.

For you are the one we want to meet.
Jesus shine through all the praises that we sing.
Its all for you- Here we are, here we are.


Why doesn't anyone give Bethany Dillon the credit she deserves?


Pray:
Brian Sweet.
Alex Saady.
Spacey Luddleston.
Hills.
Me.
You.