I feel sometimes like I live a half-assed life.
I blew someone off the other day when we were supposed to have coffee because he didn't show up in the first 12 minutes I waited. Similarly- I just don't have a heart to be on the streets doing sidewalk counseling anymore. I realize the importance of it, and I do not belittle the importance of it, but it has become clear to me that my heart is not there now the same way it was 3 years ago.
When its time to go, its time to go.
I am glutinous at times.
I am too forthright.
I'm told I push boundaries, and I challenge leadership_ in good and bad ways.
And I'm told some of this by an x-boyfriend who, apparently, is still as emotionally cracked today as he was 7 months ago.
I remember the break-up conversation we had, and I remember him asking me if I was sure I could spend the rest of my life with him. Yes, I said.
I was not oblivious to our relational problems- on the contrary: I was all too aware of what we needed to work through. But never once did I view any of those things as something we couldn't work through.
As far as life call, and romantic attraction is concerned, I haven't been able to discern if he and I are too alike, too similar, in what we are called to... or matched perfectly.
I've thought this before: we're perfect for each other. Perhaps too perfect?
Or is there another? I'm not yet convinced of our connection.
I do not doubt, however, that there is a reason he and I are together now. There's a reason we both are doing LW now, there's a reason I'm allowed on the "list".. there's a reason my relationship with the Lord is climbing. Its healthy. I love where I'm at. And Brian is a part of that.
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I haven't learned something in a long time.
I want to be a student of life.
I think LW will teach me things.
You ever have some thought patterns that end with you thinking, 'I really should have just written all of that down. Gold.'.. I do.
Lately I feel like the process of leading worship at KPC is so darn complicated, that it makes me almost not want to do it anymore. Almost. Varied, uncertain, prolonged.
I never want to be one of those people who orbits so much drama, miscommunication, and confusion in her life that people hesitate to want to enter into my life.
Tell me, why is it that writing comes so much more naturally when it is on a scrap piece of paper, napkin, or pamphlet on which you are scribbling? Somehow a blank 8.5x11" page, or a white computer screen, aren't nearly as organic.... for me.
What are funerals for?
Saying goodbye?
Public respect?
Where does "funeral etiquette" come from? Why do we practice it?
I'm looking at the colors right now- COLOR seems so much more crisp in the fall.
I find myself thinking more and more frequently these days, "When am I going to get my life together?" I should make a to-do list:
#1. pass public speaking.
#2. acquire steady income.
#3. start college.
#4. finish college.
#5. Voice lessons.
^ that should be a good start.
I want to know God more, be with Him more.
I don't want to catch myself 'missing' His presence as much as of late... its sad.
Where are the cares of my heart?
Am I becoming selfish? Prideful? Power-hungry?
My resume communicates nothing but 'this girl is crazy'... and apparently, it worked. I got the job. :)
You know what makes me sad... the whole time Eric and I were together, all these older adults I know and respect apparently had such legitimate concerns about us- NONE of them voiced said concerns. That's REALLY disappointing.
Speak up, people. Don't be idiots.
End.
