Quench love

Ridiculous, I know. I already know.

I finished watching "Ghost of Girlfriend's Past" tonight. Silly movie- but for me, it was one of those that left me feeling contemplative, wistful, pensive, and reminiscent. How I love and hate this feeling.

There is this part of me, folded there inside, who wants so deeply to be given the desires of my heart. And I know that the Lord knows my desires far more intimately than I- but I cannot keep from coming back to the same thought, the same emotion: love.

Love is what binds us up, what keeps us from failing. Love is where we find our hope.

So, yes it is silly. No, it doesn't make sense. But I want what my heart keeps pulling for. That dance. That pursuit. That romance. The wooing. The spooning. The flowers. The hard seasons with the good ones.

I want someone specific. And I will compromise for no one.

I want someone who believes in me.

Who will run wholeheartedly with me.

Who loves me fiercely.

Who loves Jesus more than he loves me.

Who will lead me.

Who trusts the Lord.

Who loves life.

Who is willing to fight for/contend for things.

Who gains understanding.

I want someone who cherishes me and treats me like a lady.

I want someone who will take me on dates and sing me songs.

I want someone who will be patient with me.

I want who Jesus has in mind for me. No one else.

Where oh where are you? And if you are who I wish you will be, when will I know?

..He's got the whole world, in his hands. He's got the whole world..

Truth

Right now I'm listening to Corey Russell articulate the very thing I know that God is calling me to align myself with- starting immediately.

" You can know everything about the word, yet there is a divorce between what you know and what you live. There's a division. But I'm convinced that God's going to raise up a generation who will combine both in their lives: the Word and the Spirit. And their lives are authentic. The spirit of Truth is operating in their lives. You know what the spirit of truth is? Its not just knowing truth, its being true.

Being true in your finances, being true on your weekends, being true with your energy, being true with your dreams. Being true in every facet of your life. That you stand before God with a clean conscience saying there are no divided lines. Thats the journey we're on.

I'm longing to be a person of truth and to see a people raised up in truth. Its not enough to just know all the truths. We're longing that in the midst of bible study, of going deep in theological education, that we would combine the study of the Word of God with rigorous lifestyles of prayer, fasting, silence, contemplation, intercession- why? To flesh this thing out into our lives, and to where THIS and ME become one. To where this and me become one. We are longing for the Word and the Spirit to come in and be an explosion of life and of power on the inside of us."

I want my heart to turn from compromise to wholeheartedness.

I'm called to covenant with the Lord. He's in my midst, and he's calling me back to him.

Its happening right now.

Just let me see Jesus.

Just let me hear Jesus.

The key to understanding God's voice is to know God's heart. Thats painfully obvious. I'm having to ask myself how serious I am about it. Zechariah 3 refers to the exchange between Joshua the high preist and the Angel of the Lord. The removal of the filthy garments in exchange for "a clean turban on his head" refers to the renewal of the mind, a clean and pure thought life, and holiness before the Lord.

So am I serious? What's the real motivation of my heart? In John, its the same question Jesus asks those who walked 5 hours into the desert to watch John the Baptist burn? (Jesus refers to John as a burning and shining lamp Jn 5:35)

What was the real motivation? Was it just to get a cheap thrill? Or were they really interested in hearing and perceiving who John the Baptist was to their generation, and thereby repenting and following John the Baptist so that they could be in agreement with the revelation of Jesus, instead of being offended at the revelation of Jesus.

At the end of the day- we find our sense of satisfaction in disillusion and deception, because we think that because we know "about" the things of Jesus, we actually know the things of Jesus.

Jesus is asking, "Were you really intent about changing your life, or were you looking to just buy the t-shirt?"

The point of John the Baptist was to enter in.

The bottom line is this: I can have as much of Jesus as I want. I qualify because I'm messed up.

Praise the Lord.

Love. Live. Luve. Leave. Lave.

I cannot wait to be romanced by my husband. One of the wonderful things being with Brian taught me is how to be treated. I'll tell you something, I will never settle for being treated less. I didn't realize how it "should" be. God is good to me. He shows me things like that so that I'm treated how he intends for me to be.

Man, for the life of me, I don't understand what the Lord is doing in my "love life" department. Well I do understand.. nothing. I feel like I pick up signals here and there.. but really I have no idea if anything means anything. I don't know if that was really a "sign" or if I'm just a ridiculous.

Then again, I feel so unbelievably content with the Lord that I honestly believe I'd be fine if I was single with Him for the rest of my life. The Wedding Wine is more than enough to sustain me.

Bring it, Lord Jesus. You forever rock my heart. You forever rescue my soul.

Where can I go?

My brain is a mush puddle of everything thats been going on in there for the past few weeks.. and not at all being hashed through the way it should.. hence my melancholy mood of sorts.

Honestly, I generally think New Years Resolutions are kind of lame, but I actually have one this year. I want purposefully start living less recklessly. I've made some stupid decisions last year as a result of being careless. My dad always used to tell me to act, not react. To think before you speak, and sometimes more importantly think before you DO.

I want to do that this year.

I want to live my life for Jesus on purpose. He's great. And greatly to be praised.

Somebody came up to me last night and told me to be careful how much "christian language" I use. I never ever thought I used much as all... I'm the one when praying will say stuff like, "Hey, God.." I guess thats something to think about.

I'm here.

Here's where I am with a lot of things:

I feel convicted.. and I feel like I've acknowledged a call to righteousness. If I'm continually being transformed to his likeness, then the purification of my speech is part of that. I'm being reminded of what the bible says about letting wholesome talk come from your mouth. And about the tongue being a deadly poison, like the sharpest sword. Proverbs 12:18 says, "There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

Its not worth it- I would rather bridle my tongue and be quiet more of the time, than contribute to damaging conversation.

I want my tongue to bring life. I want to reflect Jesus accurately. He doesn't belittle perversion with a joke. He doesn't contribute to the corruption of other's spirits.

Matthew 12:36-37

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.

Can't really argue with that.

Boundaries. Boundaries are the sad story of my life. I don't really have solid boundaries. I've been more of a 'trial and error' kind of person. I tend to learn things the hard way.. and with a lot of things, thats okay. But its unhealthy to knowingly walk in that direction with relationships. So- boundaries, are what I have been learning about, and slowly establishing in my life. These are for my benefit, and for my friends' benefits.

I oftentimes feel torn because I feel as if, once boundaries are in place, the relationships in my life will suffer. The cherished, deep, strong relationships in my life will weaken, and become shallow, and brittle. But one of these really great friends said something to me tonight that I needed to hear. He said, "I would much rather hurt a little bit now, than hurt a lot later.. knowing I could've avoided it." I needed him to say that. And I needed him to be strong for me right then. He is one of those people that I SO treasure my friendship with. I don't want us to be less close, or less comfortable around each other as a result of us choosing to establish boundaries (ie. spending less time together, or limiting our topics of conversation).

I want to shift my perspective so that I no longer think, "spending less time together" but instead I think, "spending time together wisely."

I want God to redefine my thought process. I want a permanent holy spirit filter.

Loneliness:

And part of that is surrendering my loneliness. I have some deep, deep, loneliness. I find myself, especially in the last couple years, aching to share myself with someone. I want to have that constant person in my life who knows me, who I can talk with, who I can be with, who can hold me, who I can share LIFE with, etc. I want a companion, and a partner.

So- realizing all of this told me, first- that I ache for that because God designed me for intimate relationship. Second- I realize that my primary intimate relationship is with the Lord. And it is only out of that primary intimate relationship that those deep desires, and deep loneliness, can be filled.

Thats a journey I'm walking out. And as another friend pointed out tonight.. I'm very glad I'm walking this out while I'm single. I feel it would be much more difficult finding this out and walking it out with a husband.

My heart's desires are alive and well.

I've been ignited. There's an old hippie song from the 60s rattling in my head- the lyrics chant, "No compromise!" over and over again..

Thats kind of what I'm feeling.