The Managerie

What an increasingly ridiculous, radically redeemed family I have.

I remember thinking YEARS ago how messed up my family was, and really how the same familial circumstances can produce such unique actions and reactions when filtered through each family members personality. The SAME things (basically) happened to all 5 of my siblings. And I have no idea why some of us chose rebellion on the spot, some it took a little time to rebel, some quieted down, some tried to self-medicate... all kinds of response to the same things, just filtered through individual personalities. Its a powerful thing.

Moving on..
I found my long lost older brother on facebook a couple days ago. I don't even know him anymore. I don't know that I ever did, really. For years, I haven't been able to tell you how much older than me he is.. I don't even know him that well. But facebook just told me. He's 8 years older. Makes him 29. WOW. I never knew that. Facebook knows him better than I do.
Maybe that will change. I'd like it to change.

Moving further on..
I'm so tempted to run downstairs, wake my younger brother up, and tell him how much I love him, and how proud I am that he loves Jesus more than most 18 yr old guys.
I guess I've seen it coming in a lot of ways, but still I'm floored that my brother is growing up, and MAN... growing in Jesus. He wants God. And he knows that God is in ferocious passionate pursuit of him. I'm stoked about that.
I sense a very radical leadership call on his life. I can see him speaking, preaching, delivering truth to people in a way that is poignant and relevant. He will have an effective mantle of ministry placed on his shoulders one day. So much zeal in him. And a desire to seek out, know, and proclaim truth to others.
Praise God for that!


I drank caffeine at 10:30 tonight and I feel it. My body is sleepy, but my mind is awake and jittery. Suck.

I will fight it.

Adoration

There is a light that shines within me.
There is a hope that burns inside me.
Deep with my soul, my very existence, there is a being waiting to be freed.
A child who knows no fear, pain or rejection. There is an emotion all-encompassing of excitement joyfulness, gladness, and love.
The creative potential of laughter and the undeniable power of an infant's joy live inside me.

Unmeasurable are my limits for I call you Father.
Unimaginable my potential for you have called me son.

There is someone inside of me waiting to be released- whom you embrace, whom I long to be.
There is an all-consuming fire, a light that permeates from my very being. You have unlocked me, God.
The doors you have opened no man can shut.
I will praise you for all my days, for you are good.

You have released me, God, with your love.

You are everything.

In Our Bedroom After The War

So I've found myself to be lonely lately.
I just crave company.
I crave a partner.
I want somebody to adventure with.
I love sharing myself.
I love to learn and to enjoy others.

And I love being a girl. As per a series of misfortunious events.. I've been wandering through engagement rings. There are SO many out there. So many styles, so many cuts, so many colors, settings, designs, sizes, etc.
This is probably because so many of my friends are married/getting married/newly engaged.. somehow I feel like that justifies my recent random "ring escapade."

this (above) is one I found not too long ago. It's style is "eduardian".. I don't know what that means exactly, but its beautiful. Circa 1940. Love. It.

There are so many unbelievable ones out there: I'm kind of glad I'm not really the one picking it out.

My food for thought.

Scattered Consideration

Everybody hurts.
Everybody grieves.
Everybody moves.
And everybody stands still.
Everybody drives.
And everybody rides.

I've been wrestling in my mind with a lot lately.
Wanting to disconnect. No longer wanting to invest in people I've been investing in for years.
I've been personally unengaged. Enthused still, yet unengaged.

Purpose= being
Calling = doing
Doing flows out of being: that's the difference between Mary and Martha.

And then it was like I was plugged into an electrical socket all of the sudden.
I was MADE for ministry. It energizes me. Gives me strength, calls out my zeal and allows my heart to lean in closely.

I lovvvvvve His presence.
I love the depth of who He is- because he always has so much more to offer me, the deeper I delve into his Spirit.

No wonder we're called to be a Holy habitation: a place where His presence is always found. That is why atmospheres can change when WE walk into a room- we carry the very presence of God. There is automatically a shift.

Man and he longs to have a resting place in us. He WANTS to dwell in and around us.
Mind numbing concept.

There's this Hallelujah song I've run into 3x randomly this week, AFTER I'd thought momentarily about doing it this coming Saturday night. I think it carries some serious sort of anointing. I think it carries a tenderness of the Holy Spirit to prompt you to posture your heart as if leaning in closer or something.
Its a chorus that moves.

I love happening upon people, and circumstances that push my faith, and force me to walk it out.
It stirs me.

The same power that conquered the grave lives in me.

Benign Emotions.

I can breathe just slightly easier.

I remember every so often that everything anyone ever goes through, every life circumstance, every relational mountain, every personality flaw we choose to overcome.. all of it molds us. It molds us into the people we need to be to talk to people, to be examples for other people.
Hopefully, all the while, looking more and more like Jesus.

Recently, I feel emotional, and emotionless at the same time.
I feel drab. Kind of like the color through my vision has faded a little bit.
My prayer: God restore my eyes.

_________________________________

You know, times like these my thoughts move back to wondering when exactly it was he started falling out of love with me.
There's this one voice mail from him that I saved months and months ago. I loved it. He may have thought absolutely nothing of it, but I thought it was one of the most wonderful, and charming messages.
In it he says, "Hey you, this is me, calling for you. Just wondering how you're doing, how your sets came together, if you needed help with anything. Wanted to see how your day is going. Alright- I love you. Ill talk to you later."

Simple, right? But I loved it. Every piece of it. Tonight I listened to the 'envelope info' on that message. Sent Wednesday, February 25th, 2009.
And on that day, in my journal, I saw that I wrote, "Eric and I are solid friends no matter what. And I'm in the middle of determining whether that's good enough for me right now. Eric is figuring out if I am truly that girl he's going to go nuts about and love for the rest of his life."
And then I went on to talk about other things. But what I immediately came back to was this: that is absolutely not good enough for me. Period.

Its amazing to me how I can feel so deeply about someone, and it not be reciprocated. How do I manage to get into a situation like that?

And Lord, how do I lean not on my own desires to wait and see- but instead look for Your plan and will in Your purpose for me.

I'm contemplative. Bridal showers, other couples having issues, tiredness, and solitude do that to me.