All the thoughts inside my Head

I feel sometimes like I live a half-assed life.

I blew someone off the other day when we were supposed to have coffee because he didn't show up in the first 12 minutes I waited. Similarly- I just don't have a heart to be on the streets doing sidewalk counseling anymore. I realize the importance of it, and I do not belittle the importance of it, but it has become clear to me that my heart is not there now the same way it was 3 years ago.

When its time to go, its time to go.

I am glutinous at times.

I am too forthright.

I'm told I push boundaries, and I challenge leadership_ in good and bad ways.

And I'm told some of this by an x-boyfriend who, apparently, is still as emotionally cracked today as he was 7 months ago.

I remember the break-up conversation we had, and I remember him asking me if I was sure I could spend the rest of my life with him. Yes, I said.

I was not oblivious to our relational problems- on the contrary: I was all too aware of what we needed to work through. But never once did I view any of those things as something we couldn't work through.

As far as life call, and romantic attraction is concerned, I haven't been able to discern if he and I are too alike, too similar, in what we are called to... or matched perfectly.

I've thought this before: we're perfect for each other. Perhaps too perfect?

Or is there another? I'm not yet convinced of our connection.

I do not doubt, however, that there is a reason he and I are together now. There's a reason we both are doing LW now, there's a reason I'm allowed on the "list".. there's a reason my relationship with the Lord is climbing. Its healthy. I love where I'm at. And Brian is a part of that.

__________________

I haven't learned something in a long time.

I want to be a student of life.

I think LW will teach me things.

You ever have some thought patterns that end with you thinking, 'I really should have just written all of that down. Gold.'.. I do.

Lately I feel like the process of leading worship at KPC is so darn complicated, that it makes me almost not want to do it anymore. Almost. Varied, uncertain, prolonged.

I never want to be one of those people who orbits so much drama, miscommunication, and confusion in her life that people hesitate to want to enter into my life.

Tell me, why is it that writing comes so much more naturally when it is on a scrap piece of paper, napkin, or pamphlet on which you are scribbling? Somehow a blank 8.5x11" page, or a white computer screen, aren't nearly as organic.... for me.

What are funerals for?

Saying goodbye?

Public respect?

Where does "funeral etiquette" come from? Why do we practice it?

I'm looking at the colors right now- COLOR seems so much more crisp in the fall.

I find myself thinking more and more frequently these days, "When am I going to get my life together?" I should make a to-do list:

#1. pass public speaking.

#2. acquire steady income.

#3. start college.

#4. finish college.

#5. Voice lessons.

^ that should be a good start.

I want to know God more, be with Him more.

I don't want to catch myself 'missing' His presence as much as of late... its sad.

Where are the cares of my heart?

Am I becoming selfish? Prideful? Power-hungry?

My resume communicates nothing but 'this girl is crazy'... and apparently, it worked. I got the job. :)

You know what makes me sad... the whole time Eric and I were together, all these older adults I know and respect apparently had such legitimate concerns about us- NONE of them voiced said concerns. That's REALLY disappointing.

Speak up, people. Don't be idiots.

End.

Words We Say

Can we talk about beauty for a second?

Something about being called beautiful, has such a depth, such sustenance to it.

I've been called, cute, pretty, attractive, hot.. all of those things. But.. something about beautiful, is more meaningful, is serious, is definite. It lingers.

I want beautiful. I get the feeling that "beauty" lasts, for whatever reason.

"the unfading beauty of a gentle spirit..."

After the Fact

Stepping into God's presence is mind-blowing every time for me. I think its something you choose to do. Its something that you engage in as much as it engages you.

Yesterday was in fact my first time leading worship in big church. Thats what I like to call it... "Big Church." It felt good. I felt at home. None of that nervous perspiration or stomach jitters. I feel like every time I have to do something in front of people, it sinks in a little bit more that I don't "do" anything for me or for others. If my life is about Jesus, its all about him.

And that's increasingly cool with me- because when I mess up, or make a fool of myself in front of Jesus, he loves me the same.

I. Love. Him. Too. :)

The ebb and flow of life amuses me at times.

People come and go, they ebb and flow, no one knows, where to go, from here.

^HAH! I just wrote a song.

Aaron Blackwell's excitement for Jesus BLESSES me.

Jonathan Zook's determination for the release of the Holy Spirit BLESSES me.

Sammy Samsalone's love for quality connection BLESSES me.

Sam Spargur's hugs and intentionality BLESSES me.

Barry Taylor's wisdom BLESSES me.

Nate Atwood's leadership and encouragement BLESSES me.

Laci Huddleston's zealous heart BLESSES me.

Eric Overmyer's skill as a musician BLESSES me.

Natanya Crumrine's authentic lifestyle BLESSES me.

Mary Atwood's delicacy and feminine heart BLESSES me.

Kara Hanger's desire to use strategic thinking to increase an effective life BLESSES me.

Aly, Emily, and Katie's endurance in speaking truth in difficult situations BLESSES me.

Lacy Bruner is brings sunshine into my life. She BLESSES me.

Josh Whittle is the big brother I never had. He BLESSES me.

Nate Crawford is a firecracker in the spirit. He BLESSES me.

I have a lot to be thankful for. A LOT to be thankful for.

Slow Implosion.

Hey.

I feel like there have been things piling for weeks and months. What has made itself a pile of unsolved issues, of underlying wrongs, of scraps and diddies unknowable to anyone but me.. and now the pile is piled on top of me.

Its like an emotion overload. I'm on a crash coarse.

I've said and done arguably foolish and unwise things recently. And..... I'm reaping the rotten fruit of absolutely all of it. I'm a woman, therefore, I am allowed to be emotional about it, and probably blow things out of proportion.
Sometimes I just need to cry.
I cried on the drive home tonight. The wind was cold and my tears kind of stung my face as they ran down.. Whenever I cry on the drive home I always talk to God like I'm talking to a husband who's just there. He's just there to hear me and to hold me. All I found myself coming back to was "I need you, I need you, I need you."

And tonight I'm at a standstill because... my mouth has run away with me.
I have gossiped. I talk because I'm chatty and its something I like to do. What poison can come from the lips if not thought about first! I'm sorry.. but sorry doesn't fix things.

I cannot fix things.
Everyone is far and getting further. So help me God.

whirling inspiration

Heal for the Honey from Brooke Waggoner on Vimeo.

I sat in a beautiful bar/restaurant last night and listened to this young beauty play and sing her heart out. It was so powerful, so anointed. I felt like God was speaking to each person in the room in different ways simultaneously.

That girl possesses the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.

I'm called to that. She inspires me to do all I do with excellence.

Kelli sat next to me and said, "I officially have a girl crush."



I live for the sounds and gain their wisdom.
I beat on drums 'til I grow numb.
I wag my arm across acoustic strings and hear the ambiance of today.